Who I Am
And who I was twelve years ago
This memory of a memory revisited in 2016 appeared again today on Facebook. Just before the Trump Troubles began. This is who I was twelve years ago.
The following list of 10 things about me popped up in my memories, a list of ten things from back on 11/13/2013, a time when we shared games like this on Facebook, instead of what we don’t share now. As I post this, it is raining here for the first time this autumn. The rain smells of smoke, it stinks to high heaven. But it is rain, the first hopeful thing we’ve had here this week.
This is who I am. I think you might need to know them now.
Ten things that people may not know about me:
1. I am a neurotic, terrified, deeply depressed, sickly, total mess. The difference is what I do with all that. The only three truly unconquerable things in my life are - when I’m deeply depressed I can’t clean no matter how hard I try; my body, which is a stubbornly misbehaving child; and time.
2. If you see me calm, but my hand is being shaken very deliberately, I am furious, and the safety valve has been activated. If the shake is not deliberate - breach. Step away from the nuclear reactor.
3. I love for life, unconditionally. That means unconditionally. Anyone who has a problem with that, it’s your problem, not mine.
4. I never hate anyone without knowing that is full of conditions I don’t understand, many of them mine. The hate turns off when I understand.
5. Yes, I am proud of the things I create. But like a parent, I think that is because of what they are, not what I did.
6. The thing I love most about life is what we all do best with it.
7. Many of my dreams have come true - just not as I wished! But they did, anyway...
8. If I could have settled on one career, early, it would have been architect. But I would have regretted making the choice. Too busy, making other people’s houses. But I can’t say I wouldn’t have enjoyed it.
9. When I was small, I only wanted to dance. I was told I couldn’t and stopped. I shouldn’t have stopped.
10. There are thousands of stories, because the amazing has always happened, including many things people think I’ve made up - but no. I pay attention even to the cracks in horrors, and find them, and tell about them. Which means - if I am any one thing, I’m a bard. That’s home.
Now: That IS home. I’ve been reminded by a memory. A bard observes and writes the heart of the human race. I have done that before. It’s time to do it again, in new ways.
How have I changed since the awfulness began in 2016? Am I more of a mess?
No. Less.
I learned how to change my mind. And let other people, good people, help me change me. Not into anyone else. Just me.
It was harder to learn how to surrender the fights with people who had hurt me. They didn’t want me. Which meant, there wasn’t really any reason to fight to stay. Because I don’t want people like that in my life.
At the same time I learned to go when not loved, I learned to love with an open hand. And found, by doing that, as the song said, “Love is all around.” But all of us, love or hate as we will, are passersby. And I found, when it comes to love, to appreciate the time for it is precious, and short, and should be lived in, as well as possible. Being in love, in any way, like any other life experience, is not forever.
I don’t mind anymore. I just love.
I don’t know if I will be around another twelve years to revisit who I used to be. I would like to think I will be as I am now for the rest of my life. But no one knows. And I try not to worry about it anymore. Because I am no longer afraid to live. Live all of life. Being afraid to die is nothing like that self defeating terror.
I breathe, and am here. Still. Good.